Chilterns

The Ridgeway from Streatley

In which I stop searching for happiness and find joy

In which I go for a walk down the river and find monkeys

In which I wander by the river in Oxfordshire

In which I find mud and skylarks, and celebrate a special birthday

In which I take a very slow walk along the Ridgeway and fail to be arrested under section 128 of the Serious Organised Crime Act

In which I find a man in the sky, a magical wood and a blood red battlefield, all without the use of hallucinogenics

In which I undress in public, a car tries to run me down and I have an altercation with a jogger in the peaceful English countryside

In which I explore the frosty hills of Wendover and discover the least navigable stretch of the Grand Union canal (unless you’re a duck)

In which we take an ice white walk through the woods to start the Ridgeway, and find golden nymphs dancing in the trees on Britain’s oldest trail.

In which we go in search of mistletoe and sponge cake and uncover the insidious creep of fake cows

In which we ramble through beechwoods and over hills in warm clothes, and meet Britain’s creepiest cows.

In which I ramble along the river past the dreaming spires and end up two feet deep in it

In which I am the meat in a water sandwich, I attempt to become tranquil staring at pond weeds and the dog forces me to eat cake

In which I explore the river and find cress, cress, school children and more cress and get angry with Thames Water and Nestlé (no change there!)

In which we celebrate UK Fungus Day by getting sprayed with pesticides and have a moot on a possible moot hill